Providing care and the daily dealing with ageing parents that comes with it, can test the patience of even the most loving adult children and extended family members. You aren’t alone, many families face similar challenges with their ageing parents, and understanding these stubborn behaviours and their underlying reasons can really help you to better support and care for them. So, first let’s look at why elderly people experience such a change in behaviour during their later years, then we’ll look at examples of these stubborn behaviours and share some helpful tips on how to deal with your ageing parents during this time.
Understanding Why Behaviours Change in the Elderly
If you have been dealing with ageing parents, you might be finding it difficult to reconcile the many changes you’re starting to see in them. When we talk about changes, it’s more than just the physical like grey hair and wrinkles, many elderly people start to display shifts in their mood and behaviours. These changes can start with increased irritability, stubbornness, or arguing with your elderly parents, to more severe symptoms like confusion and aggression; it can start to feel like they’re not acting like the mum or dad that you’ve known and loved your entire life. It’s important to remember that these behaviours are often not a reflection of their true selves or how they feel towards you, but rather a response to the complex physical, emotional, and cognitive changes our parents naturally start to display as they slip into old age. Here are just a few reasons why behaviours can change so drastically in the geriatric years of life:
- Everyday tasks that were once simple can become painful and difficult, leading to frustration.
- Seniors may have a fear of losing their independence and dignity, so resist big changes like needing to go into aged care facilities, instead clinging to familiar routines.
- As elders get further along in years they start dealing with the loss of friends and loved ones. This can mean they start experiencing grief, isolation and loneliness.
- Uncharacteristic behaviours like outbursts of anger, anxiety, apathy, or other forms of stubborn behaviour are often common in seniors experiencing chronic pain, depression, or cognitive decline from dementia or Alzheimer’s disease.
It’s important to recognise that these noticeable shifts in mood and behaviour are often beyond their control. Understanding the psychological or medical basis for their behaviour is one of the first steps you can take when dealing with elderly parents so you can provide them with the right support.
Examples of Stubborn Behaviours When Dealing With Ageing Parents
Now we understand some root causes, here are some common types of stubborn behaviour that you might start to notice in your parents as they grow older:
- Refusal to accept help with everyday activities, insisting they can manage on their own despite there being clear difficulties.
- They might be reluctant to see a doctor or follow prescribed medication or treatments.
- Sticking rigidly to established routines and rejecting any changes, even minor ones.
- Resistance to downsizing to a smaller home, or moving in with family members or into an aged care home.
- Hoarding or collecting items which makes it difficult to maintain a clean, tidy, and safe home.
- Elderly parents might avoid conversations about their finances, wills, or power of attorney, because it means acknowledging their own mortality.
10 Strategies for Dealing With Elderly Parents and Their Stubborness
Here are practical tips that can help you when you’re not sure on how to deal with your stubborn parents.
1. Start by educating yourself
By having a better idea of how your mum or dad are feeling, or any situations or conversations that may have recently upset them, you’ll be able to look at some ways to alleviate some of these negative emotional triggers and help them to feel more positive again.
2. Be more understanding
When your parent is in a stubborn mood or being unreasonable, don’t let frustration get the better of you, try to be more patient and forgiving. Putting yourself in their shoes, really listening to what they’re saying, and responding with empathy always helps when dealing with elderly parents.
3. Seek professional help or have a chat with their doctor
Sharing your observations and concerns about their physical and mental health state can help to ensure they get the right treatments and care. Doctors and allied health professionals are also able to offer you valuable guidance, support referrals, or a care plan for aged care that will help to ease caring for your loved one.
4. Change your approach
It can be incredibly challenging or even hurtful when your parent is being disagreeable, hostile, or verbally abusive towards you. It’s easier said than done, but try not to take their behaviour personally or get defensive. Instead of becoming upset, do your best to respond back to them in a calm, supportive, and loving manner. If you need a moment to compose yourself, that’s completely fine too. Take a deep breath so you can gather your thoughts, or if you need a bit more time why not step outside for some fresh air or take a short stroll.
5. Pick your battles wisely
If you find yourself arguing with your elderly parents, you should remember the old saying – pick your battles wisely. Any discussions around their care, health, wellbeing, or things that may affect their quality of life are important; on the other hand, more trivial matters really aren’t worth getting upset over. Ultimately, letting go of the little things will reduce stress on the both of you, and you can go on making happier memories together, not fussing over unpleasant ones.
6. Involve them in decision making and use positive reinforcement
Whether it’s being open to new routines or simply participating in discussions about their care, get in the habit of acknowledging and praising your parent for their efforts and positive attitude. This not only boosts their self-esteem, but helps them to feel more valued, understood, and respected, especially when they start to experience further physical or cognitive limitations. Over time, this will help your mum or dad to feel happier and more motivated, knowing that their opinions matter and that they’re not alone.
7. Adjust your communication
When it comes to dealing with ageing parents, how you communicate with them can also make a big difference. Here are a few ways that you can adjust how you speak and communicate with your loved one:
- Always try to ask them instead of ordering them. Most elderly people don’t respond well when they are constantly being ordered around, and just by asking you can make them feel as though they have some control in their lives.
- Whenever possible, offer choices such as asking them what they would like or prefer, instead of just assuming or making decisions on their behaviour. For things that are harmless, let them have their way as this will save arguing with your elderly parents. If another option really is better for their benefit, explain to them why (usually because it is better for their health and wellbeing).
- If they are unable to respond, still pose the question but it’s not always necessary to wait for an answer when you know you won’t get one. At least asking them will give them an indication on what you plan to do.
- You may mean well, but when elderly people feel like they’re being told what to do all the time, it can only lead to behavioural problems like arguments, avoidance, or stonewalling, which can exacerbate the feelings of frustration between the both of you. With this in mind, you can make a difference by simply changing how you speak to them. One of the easiest ways to do this is by using “You” language. For example, instead of saying “You need to take your medicine!” or “You need to exercise today,” use “I”, ‘It”, “We”, “Let’s”, or “This”. Therefore these statements would now become, “It’s important to take your medicine,” and “I will help you exercise today.” It’s amazing how you can deal with ageing parents in a much better way, just by changing your language slightly so you can avoid stubborn behaviour or any negative feelings.
8. Be consistent and simplify task
When it comes to changes in routine or daily tasks, instead of overwhelming your loved one, simply break the tasks down into smaller, practical, and more manageable steps that they can accomplish at their own pace. Take the time to walk them through the new ways of doing things, patiently reinforcing the steps until they start to feel more at ease. This consistent presence and gentle guidance can make a world of difference in helping them to adapt to changes without feeling lost or anxious. Lifestyle activities in aged care are also a great opportunity for your parent to have some fun, meet new people, and try something new.
9. Share a joke and plenty of kind words
When you’re struggling with how to deal with stubborn parents, a light-hearted joke or a playful comment has the power to diffuse tension, shift the mood, and make everyone feel more happy and more at ease. You might also want to use your time together to share stories or reminisce about your favourite family memories, and make a point of letting them know how much they mean to you. Humour and kindness will remind you all of the joy and love that underpins your relationship.
10. Stay connected and keep your own mental health in check
If you’re the primary carer of your mum or dad, please make sure that you also look out for your own mental health and wellbeing. Caring can be emotionally taxing; you might find yourself regularly dealing with stress, worry, fatigue, or guilt. Whether it’s setting time aside for your hobby, enjoying a quiet moment for yourself, or simply resting, practising self-care really is essential. If you can, reach out to other family members or friends to lend a hand, or a respite service will provide you with the assurance that your elderly loved one is in safe hands while you take a much needed break.
Foster a Better Environment for Your Elderly Loved One
When caring for your elderly parents, especially when they’re being stubborn, it’s important to remember that this phase of life is difficult for them too, and your role as a carer is a profound way to give back the love and care they provided you growing up.
If you do notice significant changes in their behaviour, make sure you take them to their GP to rule out any underlying medical conditions.
Remember, you don’t have to do it all alone—Aurrum Aged Care is always here to support you when you’re not sure how to deal with your ageing parents, so get in touch with our dedicated team today about our holistic aged care, and we’ll ensure your loved one receives the best care possible.